Perfection Lost

So It is ended, any hope that i ever had for a relationship with K is gone. Gone Forever. We have been broken up for 3 years now. I have loved her all that long time. and now that is gone. that stability. that purpose is lost. I have no more reason. nothing to work for. Partly nothing to live for. I have no reason. Only pain. only sorrow. I want her i LOVED her so much. And now i cant there is no reason to. She is lost to me.

and by god it hurts.

Going a bit Crazy

So I am. I HAve all the pent up Emotional and creative energy and i cant seem to get it out. Part of it is that i want to stand atop a mountain and Shout move love for K but i know it means nothing to her. all my pain and sorrow, for nothing. Love the second most binding emotion. and i am ensnared in it fully unable and also unwilling to free myself. What road can i take but the one i continue down. some would say it forks at every tun. i cant see the forks. maybe i am just denying it to myself. Denial is easy. Trying new things is much more difficult.

Now i go back to attempting to bridle some of this energy.

Depressions a Bitch

Seriously, It is. I have had a good day, yet i am really down. its just been I dunno it sucks.
Tryed to Draw to make it better but that didnt help.

Finally got cheered up when L started talking to me a bit ago. Lol more proof that i love her and am linked to her, not that i should still be, 2 years is a long time to hold on. But seems i will keep doing it. Yay Internal Damage.
Still need a better, more reliable way to deal with my depression, Since Drawing seems to not be as cathartic as it used to.
Cutting never fixes anything. but i know the pain release can almost seem worth it.

Emotional turbulance.

I Really Shouldnt talk to people when im like this. My Emotions are all screwy.

I Love K, She does not feel the same way about me, almost certanly never will, but i keep trying cause of that undying love that i have for her. It terrible i know i need to stop loving her to move on but i cant.

And sometimes like tonight, My Emotions get the better of me, and i have to remember not to talk to people when i am like this. Partly why this blog exsists. it is a safe place where i cannot hurt my friends. and fortunately i dont hurt myself. but part of my pain is that she used to, probably still does. and that hurts me deeper than i can even understand or really want to look at. I have said it before i will say it again. I dont wear my scars on my skin but i do wear Her scars under it. i have seen her scars and they scar my mind and soul, i hurt for her so very much. my unending love for her, empathy and love. that is it.

What is a boy to do.

May life in its infinite wisdom bring us answers.

A Little can go long way.

Yay i am back at home after 10 weeks of camp.

Been back since wednesday. Finally Got to see K today YAY Still dont know what i will do. Love her but know that i cant be with her. Still getting to spend time with her is enough to but a smile on my face and a little warmth in my heart. Had dinner together in the park, if we were dating it would have been romantic. oh well. thats the news on that front.

M Is pissed at me, like, a lot. Apparently the dirty joking and inuendo are really upsetting her and i crossed the line. so she is not speaking to me, that and her connection is bad. I was really hoping to get some help with from her, i want her to do some modeling for me but looks like that idea is down the shitter, for now at least.

Neko Is being a bit of a bitch. She stopped talking to me. K got hold of my phone and deleter all of her number, well i really let her. im not to upset, neko has shown me she really doesn't care so i have stopped caring.

and thats What Life in it's infinite wisdom brings us today.

A bit tired.

So it has been a while since i used this. Missed a bunch of stuff, Lost my old job, got a new one am currently in a bit of a pit od despaair. i am lonely. i miss K now more than ever, we talked tonight, she says i need to get over her, i asked how can you get over someone you would happly die for, she told me she has.

I just love her so much

A Little Lost...

So, I gave Kay her Birthday present on wednesday. Pirates of the Caribean 3, She was rather happy. Which made me feel good. But still missing her. I am wondering if i really want to be putting here behind me. I mean i know that it is not good to dwell. but how do you shut down your feelings? I know she thinks we are totaly incompatable, but there is something there, at least for me, she says there is no connection yet i can sit here and look at her picture and just...Melt. Haha i really should stop being all Emo. but This is true to myself for now, and that is what this is, a place where i can talk freely.