Perfection Lost

So It is ended, any hope that i ever had for a relationship with K is gone. Gone Forever. We have been broken up for 3 years now. I have loved her all that long time. and now that is gone. that stability. that purpose is lost. I have no more reason. nothing to work for. Partly nothing to live for. I have no reason. Only pain. only sorrow. I want her i LOVED her so much. And now i cant there is no reason to. She is lost to me.

and by god it hurts.

Going a bit Crazy

So I am. I HAve all the pent up Emotional and creative energy and i cant seem to get it out. Part of it is that i want to stand atop a mountain and Shout move love for K but i know it means nothing to her. all my pain and sorrow, for nothing. Love the second most binding emotion. and i am ensnared in it fully unable and also unwilling to free myself. What road can i take but the one i continue down. some would say it forks at every tun. i cant see the forks. maybe i am just denying it to myself. Denial is easy. Trying new things is much more difficult.

Now i go back to attempting to bridle some of this energy.

Depressions a Bitch

Seriously, It is. I have had a good day, yet i am really down. its just been I dunno it sucks.
Tryed to Draw to make it better but that didnt help.

Finally got cheered up when L started talking to me a bit ago. Lol more proof that i love her and am linked to her, not that i should still be, 2 years is a long time to hold on. But seems i will keep doing it. Yay Internal Damage.
Still need a better, more reliable way to deal with my depression, Since Drawing seems to not be as cathartic as it used to.
Cutting never fixes anything. but i know the pain release can almost seem worth it.

Emotional turbulance.

I Really Shouldnt talk to people when im like this. My Emotions are all screwy.

I Love K, She does not feel the same way about me, almost certanly never will, but i keep trying cause of that undying love that i have for her. It terrible i know i need to stop loving her to move on but i cant.

And sometimes like tonight, My Emotions get the better of me, and i have to remember not to talk to people when i am like this. Partly why this blog exsists. it is a safe place where i cannot hurt my friends. and fortunately i dont hurt myself. but part of my pain is that she used to, probably still does. and that hurts me deeper than i can even understand or really want to look at. I have said it before i will say it again. I dont wear my scars on my skin but i do wear Her scars under it. i have seen her scars and they scar my mind and soul, i hurt for her so very much. my unending love for her, empathy and love. that is it.

What is a boy to do.

May life in its infinite wisdom bring us answers.

A Little can go long way.

Yay i am back at home after 10 weeks of camp.

Been back since wednesday. Finally Got to see K today YAY Still dont know what i will do. Love her but know that i cant be with her. Still getting to spend time with her is enough to but a smile on my face and a little warmth in my heart. Had dinner together in the park, if we were dating it would have been romantic. oh well. thats the news on that front.

M Is pissed at me, like, a lot. Apparently the dirty joking and inuendo are really upsetting her and i crossed the line. so she is not speaking to me, that and her connection is bad. I was really hoping to get some help with from her, i want her to do some modeling for me but looks like that idea is down the shitter, for now at least.

Neko Is being a bit of a bitch. She stopped talking to me. K got hold of my phone and deleter all of her number, well i really let her. im not to upset, neko has shown me she really doesn't care so i have stopped caring.

and thats What Life in it's infinite wisdom brings us today.

A bit tired.

So it has been a while since i used this. Missed a bunch of stuff, Lost my old job, got a new one am currently in a bit of a pit od despaair. i am lonely. i miss K now more than ever, we talked tonight, she says i need to get over her, i asked how can you get over someone you would happly die for, she told me she has.

I just love her so much

A Little Lost...

So, I gave Kay her Birthday present on wednesday. Pirates of the Caribean 3, She was rather happy. Which made me feel good. But still missing her. I am wondering if i really want to be putting here behind me. I mean i know that it is not good to dwell. but how do you shut down your feelings? I know she thinks we are totaly incompatable, but there is something there, at least for me, she says there is no connection yet i can sit here and look at her picture and just...Melt. Haha i really should stop being all Emo. but This is true to myself for now, and that is what this is, a place where i can talk freely.

Women... Ugh.

An insightful page that is Copyrite J. Jaques. Cause he is a way better artist than me.

Ever had things seem like this, you do your level best to be a perfet gentalman, and stilll, what do you get? You get a girl who walks away. Or maybe thats just me. Ive been saying it a lot recently. Grils dont want Mr. Nice, they want the guy that will treat them bad, but not bad enough for them to want to leave him.

Subcontious

So today is Kay's Birthday, and i find myself sitting her missing her and feeling very lonely. Fun right.

I dont really know, we never had anything special associated with this day, hell i dont think we were even dating on her birthday. but still, i feel my stomach clench with pain at the loss of her. I find it amusing at least slightly at the fact that her leaving me over a year ago can still casue physical pain. Wonder if she knows that, wonder if she would care if she did. I dunno. Guess i just needed to write out how i am feeling, and sucks does a pretty good job of describing it.

May life bring you better than mine.

A Heart and Soul in tatters.

If you dont like introspective Emotional rantings please ignore this.

Basicaly thats how i feel right now. Im in itty bitty pieces. I found one of Kay's old journals, which cut me up a bit, and painted me in a very different light than i felt, but i also fet that it was true. and i am amazed that i missed some signs of things coming. So i talked to her about it. Somehow i still came out of that converstaion sounding like a jerk and basicaly feeling like crap. which continues for now.

So what do you do when your heart is stuck on someone who you love more than anything in the world. But she has already moved on. And you both know that things probably would never work out even if you did get back together. but still you cant stop loving her, Ive tried, and that just tore me apart inside even more. You cant love 2 people at the same time. Or at leat i cant despite trying very hard to.

I... I miss her, I miss the warmth. No one has ever made me feel the way she did, both in good and bad. It is not fun going to sleep not knowing weather the target of your love may not be alive in the morning. and knowing that if she wasnt that you woulnt be either rather quickly. :( i dont know what the point of this is, She is right, im just destroying myself. but without this what am i? a fragmented soul lost in the world.

I have given her a piece of my heart, and i am not sure i can be whole again.

Suicide

Lets own up here. Most of us have thought about it, but have we really? i mean yeah all the pain everything goes away, but what about those left behind? Friends, Family, Lovers people we never even knew. As a guy who has has the most important person in the world to him call on the phone saying she was going to kill herself i get some of this. but what i dont get is how people can think that it will be better without them? I know if i had lost her then it would have torn me to pieces. but even if we had not been that close, still the ripples from her death would have cut at my soul. Maybe they dont see it like that.

I was talking to a close friend today. One of her friends killed himself a few days ago. She was the last person to see him alive. I look at her and see the misery and pain she is in. and that cuts into me. I have never met this person, I did not even know he exsisted. His death leaves scars even on those who do not know his name. I wonder if He knew that he mattered to me be casue he mattered to someone i know? Did he know how far the ripples would go? If he had might he have stopped. Would knowing that there are people out there that never even met him but still cared change anything?

I dont have the anwsers, i wish i did. I wish i could wave a wand and make it all better. It is just... Not good, It causes more hurt than it will ever absolve.

May Life in its Infinite Wisdom not bring you the pain of death.

Little Customization

Just Working on getting a few things more up. there is now a list of my favorite Webcomics. Later i may Give them some more space and brief overviews but i would recomend taking a look if you are a webcomic-y type of person.

I will be adding a post later this evening with some more personal stuff. It has been kinda crazy and i need to get some stuff out.

May Life in its Infinite wisdom Get you through the day.

Power of Music

It is great stuff. I was in a rather down mood when i got home from hanging out with Meg. there is a bit of a story behind that though. We had Lunch and then stopped at the study abroad place so that she could get some info. and then she is all like "we should go find a coffie shop so we can sit and chat." but then like a minute later she has changed her mind cause she cant find a parking space. Yeah. And i really do just want to spend some time talking to her, and you cant really talk over lunch that well at least i cant. takes me longer to get comfotable with people. So her blowing me off put me in a bad mood. and then i came home and sent off a couple of texts to Kay and only got a response once, (later i find out that her second reply never made it to my phone.) but at the time it pissed me off so i decided to screw the world and take a nap. (dont worry i am going somewhere with this). so after i wake up eat dinner i sti back down at my laptop and put on some Cranberries. less then 15 minutes later im feeling a lot better. Behold the power of good music.

May Life in its Infinite Wisdom Bring you the music you need to hear.

Girls Behaving Strangely.

So Yeah Seems like all My female friends have been behaving strangely the past couple of days. Just Strange stuff. IMing me Hello and then not replying after i say hi. the other major one sending me a Text message about seeing her Ex and feeling bad for it, casue she wanted to have him make amends for being a jerk to her. I guess i just dont understand what is going on any more. Maybe it isnt them who are behaving strange maybe its me... Can anyone ever be sure?

Maybe it is just that time of the month, Who knows. Well we know who knows but i am not gonna risk there friendship by asking if it is. Maybe they would be cool with telling me maybe they would just laugh at me. But i dont want to endanger any of my few friendships by prying to far into a girls personal things. But our society is to Pent up for this thing to really be discussed openly by both sexes despite it being something we all deal with.

I read Somewhere that the Femal Cycle was linked to that of the moon. Maybe this is a Hormone induced lunacy?

Whatever it is that is going on, Life in its Infinite Wisdom will decide how things play out.

Life in its Infinite Wisdom

Life in its Infinite Wisdom Has called me to create a blog.

I dont know how much i will use this or if i will even tell anybody that it exsists. So if your reading this then hey welcome to my new blog. I will probably spend a lot of time Just Ranting about Girls and work and anything else that i feel the need to get out on my virtual paper. I will probably post most of the Stuff i have had the pleasure or displeasure to experiance. If you like it Great. if not then thats cool to. Just dont Whine to me. Well off to do my Homework More to come this evening or Tomorrow or the next day as i feel like it.

May Life in its Infinite Wisdom take you where it will.
-Nexus Trimean