Emotional turbulance.

I Really Shouldnt talk to people when im like this. My Emotions are all screwy.

I Love K, She does not feel the same way about me, almost certanly never will, but i keep trying cause of that undying love that i have for her. It terrible i know i need to stop loving her to move on but i cant.

And sometimes like tonight, My Emotions get the better of me, and i have to remember not to talk to people when i am like this. Partly why this blog exsists. it is a safe place where i cannot hurt my friends. and fortunately i dont hurt myself. but part of my pain is that she used to, probably still does. and that hurts me deeper than i can even understand or really want to look at. I have said it before i will say it again. I dont wear my scars on my skin but i do wear Her scars under it. i have seen her scars and they scar my mind and soul, i hurt for her so very much. my unending love for her, empathy and love. that is it.

What is a boy to do.

May life in its infinite wisdom bring us answers.

A Little can go long way.

Yay i am back at home after 10 weeks of camp.

Been back since wednesday. Finally Got to see K today YAY Still dont know what i will do. Love her but know that i cant be with her. Still getting to spend time with her is enough to but a smile on my face and a little warmth in my heart. Had dinner together in the park, if we were dating it would have been romantic. oh well. thats the news on that front.

M Is pissed at me, like, a lot. Apparently the dirty joking and inuendo are really upsetting her and i crossed the line. so she is not speaking to me, that and her connection is bad. I was really hoping to get some help with from her, i want her to do some modeling for me but looks like that idea is down the shitter, for now at least.

Neko Is being a bit of a bitch. She stopped talking to me. K got hold of my phone and deleter all of her number, well i really let her. im not to upset, neko has shown me she really doesn't care so i have stopped caring.

and thats What Life in it's infinite wisdom brings us today.

A bit tired.

So it has been a while since i used this. Missed a bunch of stuff, Lost my old job, got a new one am currently in a bit of a pit od despaair. i am lonely. i miss K now more than ever, we talked tonight, she says i need to get over her, i asked how can you get over someone you would happly die for, she told me she has.

I just love her so much

A Little Lost...

So, I gave Kay her Birthday present on wednesday. Pirates of the Caribean 3, She was rather happy. Which made me feel good. But still missing her. I am wondering if i really want to be putting here behind me. I mean i know that it is not good to dwell. but how do you shut down your feelings? I know she thinks we are totaly incompatable, but there is something there, at least for me, she says there is no connection yet i can sit here and look at her picture and just...Melt. Haha i really should stop being all Emo. but This is true to myself for now, and that is what this is, a place where i can talk freely.

Women... Ugh.

An insightful page that is Copyrite J. Jaques. Cause he is a way better artist than me.

Ever had things seem like this, you do your level best to be a perfet gentalman, and stilll, what do you get? You get a girl who walks away. Or maybe thats just me. Ive been saying it a lot recently. Grils dont want Mr. Nice, they want the guy that will treat them bad, but not bad enough for them to want to leave him.

Subcontious

So today is Kay's Birthday, and i find myself sitting her missing her and feeling very lonely. Fun right.

I dont really know, we never had anything special associated with this day, hell i dont think we were even dating on her birthday. but still, i feel my stomach clench with pain at the loss of her. I find it amusing at least slightly at the fact that her leaving me over a year ago can still casue physical pain. Wonder if she knows that, wonder if she would care if she did. I dunno. Guess i just needed to write out how i am feeling, and sucks does a pretty good job of describing it.

May life bring you better than mine.

A Heart and Soul in tatters.

If you dont like introspective Emotional rantings please ignore this.

Basicaly thats how i feel right now. Im in itty bitty pieces. I found one of Kay's old journals, which cut me up a bit, and painted me in a very different light than i felt, but i also fet that it was true. and i am amazed that i missed some signs of things coming. So i talked to her about it. Somehow i still came out of that converstaion sounding like a jerk and basicaly feeling like crap. which continues for now.

So what do you do when your heart is stuck on someone who you love more than anything in the world. But she has already moved on. And you both know that things probably would never work out even if you did get back together. but still you cant stop loving her, Ive tried, and that just tore me apart inside even more. You cant love 2 people at the same time. Or at leat i cant despite trying very hard to.

I... I miss her, I miss the warmth. No one has ever made me feel the way she did, both in good and bad. It is not fun going to sleep not knowing weather the target of your love may not be alive in the morning. and knowing that if she wasnt that you woulnt be either rather quickly. :( i dont know what the point of this is, She is right, im just destroying myself. but without this what am i? a fragmented soul lost in the world.

I have given her a piece of my heart, and i am not sure i can be whole again.